today

It has been a good day today, was greated with a great news in the morning and the begening of the day was really sweet. With my car being washed by the pre monsoon drizeel I am looking forward to the rest of this wonderful day.

The journey so far!

The life of a human being is a journey from moment to moment. It is the moments which make the sum of the whole life complete. The moments are filled with our actions actions right or wrong. What is right? What is wrong? Are questions which bother human beings all over the world. This is not an attempt or answer the dilemma of right or wrong for the masses. Far from it, I just wish to understand the journey of my life from the moment I left class 10 th. It was when I had left all behind and truly embarked on this adventurous life.

Joined commerce. Spend 6 long years sitting at home doing nothing & mostly deceiving my self. Left that phase behind and also deceived myself at a new institution.

When I was satisfied that I had wasted enough time I started work. During this work I have constantly been frustrated with what I have achieved in my working life.

I worked my ass off in PLACE 1.
I did not really understand what I was required to do in PLACE 2.
I worked my ass off with PLACE 3.
I worked my ass off with PLACE 4 but also made a few mistakes in doing a job which I should not have been doing to begin with. I told them that we should not be the ones to do this job but still were forced to do it. The skills that we acquired were so vast that we ourselves were stunned with what we had achieved. With no guidance being available to us.

This frustration has meant that I have hoped from job to job. The CV looks so ugly today that I don't know how to rectify it today. The only way it can be resolved today is that I spend a long time in one organisation.

The problem with this line of thinking is that I must find the right organisation to work for. A failure to do so will result in continuous job hoping and further deterioration in the quality of my work profile.

What am I really today, an underwriter or a claims professional. I have been both in my working life and I am both today as well.

I have a job today, where I am currently acting a business developer with a TPA the trouble with a this job is that I have been at this pay point for the past 2 ½ years. In addition to that I am in my third Job doing this thing only. Just how frustrating is that can only be guessed.

Looking back would I have left PLACE 4 if I had known what was about to happen I may not have. I still question why I left t hat company. Was it a simple desire to return to NCR or was it because of my inability to adjust to that work environment or was it because of the company I had fallen into.

I think it was because of all the above reasons and then some. I have been described by some one as an individual as having a poor attitude. Is it actually the truth? I see myself as a workaholic some one who doesn't stop from finding the solution when every one else has given up from fatigue and an inability to find the answer. I still carry on, then why have I have been described as an individual with a poor attitude? Is it because of an inability to see another's point of view.

That is something that bothers me.

random thought

“As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you - the first time around.”

The most important discovery in life is the discovery on self. Every thing else follows from it. In the 31st year of my life I am still attempting to discover who I really am. It is the lack of acceptance of what and who I am which is getting me into all the troubles.

I also need to accept that people are what they are. Narrow minded and very judgmental about others. Whatever happens, as a person I should not loose my cool and react negatively to the situation. Learn to control my temper. More then learning to control my temper it is necessary for me not to react immediately. Not reacting immediately means that I am able to control the situation relatively better. As opposed to just letting it loose come what may. As it is a poor response to any problem being faced by any one.

Accept the feedback and not react immediately to it.

Finishing thoughts

If one is paying attention, then, he will find that the faculty of thought is one which is the most restless of all. The reason for the same is, that, even before one thought is completed the mind will leap on to the next. Without finishing the original thought.

In order to prevent being over whelmed by a jumble of thoughts one needs to be able to control his thoughts. The ability to go thought less where the restless horses of thoughts are running free.

I think the ability to take a thought to its conclusion without being distracted by a new thought is one of the greatest gift one possesses.

It is a gift which needs to be developed.

Meeting Mrs Bhatia,

I meet Mrs Bhatia this morning at around 10:00 AM today at her office in Janpath. I had gone unannounced to her office and the reception which I had received from her was absolutely extreamly warm.

One meets a lot of people every day. One also forgets a lot of people every day. It is rare to come across a person on a day to day basis. It is harder still to meet a person who takes the pain necessary to help another, that when going out of the way. When I was listening to her I was not having my defenses up. I was completely open, transparent and receptive to her. Something which is a rarity with me.

I as a individual am not happy when some one corrects me. However, today the correction made by her was some thing which sent me back to school. As a person she was warm and vivacious and extremely attractive.

A former English teacher, she was very particular about the war our corporate profile was written. She helped me to meet the right persons and was extremely helpful towards pointing me to the right direction.

A very unique and special person. I hope to speak to her again.

expressing

Over the past few weeks i have been driven to express my self a lot. Where i wsed to keep silent for a long period of time and not express any thinking to any one. I am now spending a lot of time today writing simple one page notes in the dairy that i am keeping this may be a passing phase but I am determined to use it to the fullest. The Idea is to just keep on with this process and see where I will end up.

Moreover, if expressing my self more results in a personal development of my life then i see no reason why it should not be continued.

The earlier weakness that I had was a lack of expression but I will attempt to cultivate it to be a lot more expressive in the future.

organising

I am triying to generate a DBMS today with the objective of organising my work in this organisation. The purpose of the same is to develop my record keeping to an extent that my work become un assailable and have the information in hand when i need it and the way i need it.

The process is extreamly complex but it is vital for my development as a professionsl in my career.

Her

Sitting in my office and am thinking bout her. Looking at the corridor I can picture her walking through. The bold stride the clear expression and the sparkling eyes. That's all that I remember bout her after all this time. The important thing is that I still remember. Remember vividly most of the details about her. But I am having trouble remembering her face and what she looked like.

I will not see her again in life but I hope that our paths will cross again.

Peace & happiness

Lets talk happiness, just because I want happiness in life, it should not be taken to mean that I am unhappy today. Happiness is a journey and not a destination. It is those small moments of joy that matter, I must pay attention to those. If I keep paying attention and obsess over the big moments then the fleeting moments of joy will pass me by and I will have nothing in hand cause it is those small moments that collectively result in those big moments.

In addition to the above I also should stop expecting that I will receive happiness from others. Happiness if it is to flow then it must flow from me to others. Which means that I must be the reason for some one else's happiness. At the very least not cause sorrow to others.

Only then will I be able to have peace with my self.