Loss

I know what the little girl must have faced. The inability to learn is nor really understood by the society in general. It thinks the attitude of the child is wrong and irresponsible.

But the child in not at fault. It is the job of the parents and teachers to nurture the child. But how can some one who himself is ignorent of the needs of the child nurture the child.

The empathy needed by the child is missing. We must make the Teachers / Parents understand that if the child has limitations then it must be treated diffrently. Not be punished for them.

Untin that happens we will continue to seen such losses on a regular basis

National hurt

It is the inability to heal the hurt that causes further pain. If you are to heal then you must face up to what caused the hurt in the first place. What this country is busy doing is burying the hurt in layers of lies and rhetoric.

The nation and society must face the hurt and the reasons why it was caused without any intellectual dishonesty. Only then can the society and the nation can even begin to heal.

Till then the buried hurt will keep on festering and we will only be dealing with the symptoms and not the cause it self.

Days without end

The days are no longer grey, there seems to be an openess about a blue sky. The sun is soft. The nights long and yet there is a sense of loss that is all pervading. The loss is tangible and unfuilfilled and overwhelming. Filling the very fiber of my being.

To an extent that I cannot really come up with a way to overcome it. This has more to do with my lack of willingness to take risks. To go out there and do things. What happened that reduced the appetite for taking risks. Why has it diminished. Is it because I fell and am afread to pick my self up again.

DAYS

The days are dull and the nights are restless. I have lost the will to take risks and am playing very conservatively with life. What may be the reasons for that I dont really know. But the one point that I am certain off is that I am not having any positive or negative thoughts about this life at this moment.

today

It has been a good day today, was greated with a great news in the morning and the begening of the day was really sweet. With my car being washed by the pre monsoon drizeel I am looking forward to the rest of this wonderful day.

The journey so far!

The life of a human being is a journey from moment to moment. It is the moments which make the sum of the whole life complete. The moments are filled with our actions actions right or wrong. What is right? What is wrong? Are questions which bother human beings all over the world. This is not an attempt or answer the dilemma of right or wrong for the masses. Far from it, I just wish to understand the journey of my life from the moment I left class 10 th. It was when I had left all behind and truly embarked on this adventurous life.

Joined commerce. Spend 6 long years sitting at home doing nothing & mostly deceiving my self. Left that phase behind and also deceived myself at a new institution.

When I was satisfied that I had wasted enough time I started work. During this work I have constantly been frustrated with what I have achieved in my working life.

I worked my ass off in PLACE 1.
I did not really understand what I was required to do in PLACE 2.
I worked my ass off with PLACE 3.
I worked my ass off with PLACE 4 but also made a few mistakes in doing a job which I should not have been doing to begin with. I told them that we should not be the ones to do this job but still were forced to do it. The skills that we acquired were so vast that we ourselves were stunned with what we had achieved. With no guidance being available to us.

This frustration has meant that I have hoped from job to job. The CV looks so ugly today that I don't know how to rectify it today. The only way it can be resolved today is that I spend a long time in one organisation.

The problem with this line of thinking is that I must find the right organisation to work for. A failure to do so will result in continuous job hoping and further deterioration in the quality of my work profile.

What am I really today, an underwriter or a claims professional. I have been both in my working life and I am both today as well.

I have a job today, where I am currently acting a business developer with a TPA the trouble with a this job is that I have been at this pay point for the past 2 ½ years. In addition to that I am in my third Job doing this thing only. Just how frustrating is that can only be guessed.

Looking back would I have left PLACE 4 if I had known what was about to happen I may not have. I still question why I left t hat company. Was it a simple desire to return to NCR or was it because of my inability to adjust to that work environment or was it because of the company I had fallen into.

I think it was because of all the above reasons and then some. I have been described by some one as an individual as having a poor attitude. Is it actually the truth? I see myself as a workaholic some one who doesn't stop from finding the solution when every one else has given up from fatigue and an inability to find the answer. I still carry on, then why have I have been described as an individual with a poor attitude? Is it because of an inability to see another's point of view.

That is something that bothers me.

random thought

“As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you - the first time around.”

The most important discovery in life is the discovery on self. Every thing else follows from it. In the 31st year of my life I am still attempting to discover who I really am. It is the lack of acceptance of what and who I am which is getting me into all the troubles.

I also need to accept that people are what they are. Narrow minded and very judgmental about others. Whatever happens, as a person I should not loose my cool and react negatively to the situation. Learn to control my temper. More then learning to control my temper it is necessary for me not to react immediately. Not reacting immediately means that I am able to control the situation relatively better. As opposed to just letting it loose come what may. As it is a poor response to any problem being faced by any one.

Accept the feedback and not react immediately to it.

Finishing thoughts

If one is paying attention, then, he will find that the faculty of thought is one which is the most restless of all. The reason for the same is, that, even before one thought is completed the mind will leap on to the next. Without finishing the original thought.

In order to prevent being over whelmed by a jumble of thoughts one needs to be able to control his thoughts. The ability to go thought less where the restless horses of thoughts are running free.

I think the ability to take a thought to its conclusion without being distracted by a new thought is one of the greatest gift one possesses.

It is a gift which needs to be developed.

Meeting Mrs Bhatia,

I meet Mrs Bhatia this morning at around 10:00 AM today at her office in Janpath. I had gone unannounced to her office and the reception which I had received from her was absolutely extreamly warm.

One meets a lot of people every day. One also forgets a lot of people every day. It is rare to come across a person on a day to day basis. It is harder still to meet a person who takes the pain necessary to help another, that when going out of the way. When I was listening to her I was not having my defenses up. I was completely open, transparent and receptive to her. Something which is a rarity with me.

I as a individual am not happy when some one corrects me. However, today the correction made by her was some thing which sent me back to school. As a person she was warm and vivacious and extremely attractive.

A former English teacher, she was very particular about the war our corporate profile was written. She helped me to meet the right persons and was extremely helpful towards pointing me to the right direction.

A very unique and special person. I hope to speak to her again.

expressing

Over the past few weeks i have been driven to express my self a lot. Where i wsed to keep silent for a long period of time and not express any thinking to any one. I am now spending a lot of time today writing simple one page notes in the dairy that i am keeping this may be a passing phase but I am determined to use it to the fullest. The Idea is to just keep on with this process and see where I will end up.

Moreover, if expressing my self more results in a personal development of my life then i see no reason why it should not be continued.

The earlier weakness that I had was a lack of expression but I will attempt to cultivate it to be a lot more expressive in the future.

organising

I am triying to generate a DBMS today with the objective of organising my work in this organisation. The purpose of the same is to develop my record keeping to an extent that my work become un assailable and have the information in hand when i need it and the way i need it.

The process is extreamly complex but it is vital for my development as a professionsl in my career.

Her

Sitting in my office and am thinking bout her. Looking at the corridor I can picture her walking through. The bold stride the clear expression and the sparkling eyes. That's all that I remember bout her after all this time. The important thing is that I still remember. Remember vividly most of the details about her. But I am having trouble remembering her face and what she looked like.

I will not see her again in life but I hope that our paths will cross again.

Peace & happiness

Lets talk happiness, just because I want happiness in life, it should not be taken to mean that I am unhappy today. Happiness is a journey and not a destination. It is those small moments of joy that matter, I must pay attention to those. If I keep paying attention and obsess over the big moments then the fleeting moments of joy will pass me by and I will have nothing in hand cause it is those small moments that collectively result in those big moments.

In addition to the above I also should stop expecting that I will receive happiness from others. Happiness if it is to flow then it must flow from me to others. Which means that I must be the reason for some one else's happiness. At the very least not cause sorrow to others.

Only then will I be able to have peace with my self.

Random thoughts

It has been almost a year when I took a decision to get over her. Why I had fallen for her in the first place is a mystery to begin with. Even why I fall for any woman is and remains a mystery for me. Do I fall for a girl because of her looks or because I have gotten used to her over a period of time. Of because of her intellectual capacity. For me all my past affections have one or more elements attached.

The one thing that remains constant is that every one of them was the leader of her social circle.

A fact which has led my sister to conclude that it is not the woman I am attracted to. It is the idea of her which attracts me.

Even today where I am in a new setup. I find my self attracted towards 2 different women. Both of them married. Which is the most intriguing situation.

Interestingly both of them are married.

Struggle for the future

The struggle for the salvation of the suffering masses of India is some thing which bothers me a great deal.

I have used the word salvation in the opening sentence. What is meant by that? Who are the suffering masses of India?

To me salvation has the following meaning. Create self reliance for the individual so that he is not dependent on others for the fulfillment of his day to day sustenance needs. Empower him to an extent that he is able to resist exploitation from others and also educate him so that he in turn does not become an exploiter of those who are weak. That to me will best describe the salvation of the suffering masses of India.

Now to answer the second question, who are the suffering masses of India?

The answer to me is simple. It is those people who are economically not free. Who are not educated about their rights as enshrined in the Indian constitution. Who as a result of their economic un-freedom and lack of education about their rights are being exploited by their fellow citizens. Ie an absence of swaraj for the Individual. That is the Gandhian way to describe things. Having said that How to go about doing that??

I feel that there are better qualified persons then me to answer that question. However, I can still try to answer it.

The best way to go about doing that will be to create institutions that are pro India and are filled with a passion of doing things for the country. And have schools staffed by competent teaching staff who are attending schools on a regular basis. I don't care if the school doesn't have fans or desks or even a building . What I do care about is that it must have a good teacher. Who is present every day to teach the pupils. So that the schools are functioning

The second major point of empowering the Indian nation will be to create functioning Panchyat Institutions. Which will transfer power to the village level. Allowing them to have functioning local administration and remove the dependence on the block level towns and making the village level panchyat autonomous. Thus weakling the hold of the bureaucrats that is so stifling to the Indian peoples.


The third major point will be to make the judiciary & police responsive to the needs of the Indian population as justice delayed is justice denied. Justice in India is denied to people by a great extent. The police is seen a predators and not as protectors by a great majority of the Indian population. Unless the individual can approach the police without fear of them and the police functions without interference from the politicians the society cannot be truly be free.

The electoral system may need reform as per some people. But I think, that, it is the Indian society that needs reform in the way it thinks. The mindset of Zero sum games, I.e, the win for some one else is a loss for me. That has to end. What needs to happen is that we create a positive result game where every one wins. This can only be accomplished by having a new social contract in the Indian society. Where the citizens are thinking about the entire society rather then their own small social groups. Even if they are thinking about their own social groups then they should do so in a way which is not in conflict with another social group. Unless this happens we cannot have have social and politically empowered systems. Ultimately the social coalitions have to emerge for the nation to prosper. It has been happening in small measures over some time but the process has to be accelerated by a great extent. For it to be effective and the change to be visible.

Of the above mentioned points the last is the most difficult to accomplish as the political livelihoods of the politicians is at stake and it will face the most resistance from them.

Once you have resolved the above mentioned problems then the next step is to move to full economic liberalization of the nation. Where an individual can start any enterprise where ever he wants it. And can do so without fear of extortion form different interest groups.

All the above has to be accomplished keeping the Indian Pluralism unchanged. As a country as diverse as India we have no space for an absolutist ideology whether it is religious or political or social.

Not an easy task by any measure but it is a task which was entrusted to the Indian nation by the freedom fighters and the social reformers of the last century. It was their firm belief that it could be accomplished by seeking coalitions and having discussions with and amongst different social groups. That faith and goal must be kept in sight of at all times by the Indian nation if we are to progress.

Random thoughts

The founder of the Art of living was attacked by some un identified person yesterday. I cannot say that I am surprised by what has happed. As the level of violence in the society has increased manifold in the recent times. Along with the level of conflict. I have ambivalent feelings towards people who claim to to have answers for everyone else.

In-spite of that I respect and admire men who by their work have made a difference in the lives of others and society. To me Shiri Ravi Shankar is one such individual.

The work done by him in terms of helping people and by extension society solutions for the problems faced by them. This they do, not by having the individual withdraw completely from the society. But by having the individual confront the problems facing him.

The things that are being told to the individual are nothing new. Only they are being re-enforced for the person. So that he remembers the things that he learns in his childhood and had forgotten them in his life due to whatever reason. Helping him become a better person.

I personally feel that this is the best way to help a troubled individual.

Reacting to death

Earlier this month my father lost his oldest brother. I was informed of his death by my mother in the morning of his death. My first reaction was you are jocking. Later on in the day, on the cremation ground where I was photographing the proceedings for his cremation. Every time I looked at my father I was also searching for him standing next to my father.

traffice rules

Today I jumped a traffice light on my way to the office. I who is so particular did break the rule. When i realise what I had done my pulse rate shot up with anger.

Why did I jump the traffic light?

Looking back I realise that it was more an act of non attention to my sourroundings then a deliberate act. Yet I could have caused an accident and that is inexcusable.

today

Woke up today with a sleepy head and an still sleepy

Acceptance

Acceptance of a situation dose note imply passivity or a lack of action. Unless one accepts what is wrong one may never take any step to change the situation. So in order to change one accept the present as is.

expressions

Of all the faculty given to man the faculty of expression is the most unique. The expression dose'nt have to be verbal or written. It can also be non verbal such as facial expression of the body language or the emotion conveyed by the eyes. The most accurate one is the nonverbal means of expression as your body never lies unless it has been trained to.

The ability to recognise expressions is an important capacity as it allows an individual to understand his surroundings better and take informed decisions.

My Mind

My mind is the most restless of all creations one moment it is thinking some thing and then another. Not even bothering to finish one thought before it leaps on to another.

At times I wonder how it has managed to stay with me all these years or it has left me a long time ago.

Life is ???

history

It is said that history repeats it self. Those who do not learn from it are condemned to repeat it.

The question to ask is, is it repeating itself today? and who is repeating it?

going on

Its been a long time that i have been sitting at home and searching for a new job. But I have not really been successful. I don't know what am i going to do about it.