5 th august

I did not realise that it was her birthday only a week ago and I had completely frogotten about her.

She who was for me the standard for all her kind!!

Today, where all my certanities are no longer so, I am no longer sure if she still remains the standard. the measured step, the clear voice, the bold attitude. The clear expression.

Heven't dreamt of her for some time.

Understanding

I think I am beginning to find and answer to the riddle that had been haunting me for some time.

It is the absence to the direct support structure that I had in form of friends and family. Am seeking to recreate it in Jaipur but am facing trouble creating it as no one person is staying at this place long enough for me be a friend. Which in turn creates a sense of isolation and a need to indulge in a time wasting relationship. Some thing that I have never bothered with in the past. But being alone from my family I have started to more concerned with the affairs of my colleges.

Not sure if this is a good thing.

hamlet: to be or not to be

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action

Letting Go

Letting go is one of the hardest thing to do. I need to let go of the following;

1) Old loves
2) Old City
3) Old Job

I need to let in.

1) New city
2) New love
3) New Job

What is it that is stopping me?

My Memories
My Weakness
My Dependencies

I need to find a way to overcome them

expressing

Today i have a need to express my self to a someone without the inclination to actually say any thing to any one. I know i have just contradicted my self but it is all that I wish to communicate.

I know it makes no sense but it is the current state of my mind.

I do not know what title to give this post. So will just leave it blank............

I have some things to say and some thins to make sense off..

Been here before, as time goes by your ability to deal with things grows. something which was debilitating in the past becomes a walk in the park with age and some times downright funny.

That one reacts like an adolescent or like an old hand is the most amusing aspect of the situation. One time the heart flutters and others one dose not even react to the situation.

When I was younger, I was told that things will get better with time, that my ability to cope with situation will also get better, but i did not believe in the people who told me that. Now I realise that those were wise words.

What am i trying to say? That I have grown up?? DON,T KNOW.....

accidents & stopping

I traveled from Delhi to Jaiur This Morning. I saw 3 accidents including one where a bus hit 2 bikers that had already had an accident. Did not stop to investigate as no one had been hurt. Or at least is did not see someone lying on the road.

The King

"Farewell, Romance!" the Cave-men said;
"With bone well carved he went away,
Flint arms the ignoble arrowhead,
And jasper tips the spear to-day.
Changed are the Gods of Hunt and Dance,
And he with these. Farewell, Romance!"

"Farewell, Romance!" the Lake-folk sighed;
"We lift the weight of flatling years;
The caverns of the mountain-side
Hold him who scorns our hutted piers.
Lost hills whereby we dare not dwell,
Guard ye his rest. Romance, farewell!"

"Farewell, Romance!" the Soldier spoke;
"By sleight of sword we may not win,
But scuffle 'mid uncleanly smoke
Of arquebus and culverin.
Honour is lost, and none may tell
Who paid good blows. Romance, farewell!"

"Farewell, Romance!" the Traders cried;
Our keels ha' lain with every sea;
The dull-returning wind and tide
Heave up the wharf where we would be;
The known and noted breezes swell
Our trudging sail. Romance, farewell!"

"Good-bye, Romance!" the Skipper said;
"He vanished with the coal we burn;
Our dial marks full steam ahead,
Our speed is timed to half a turn.
Sure as the ferried barge we ply
'Twixt port and port. Romance, good-bye!"

"Romance!" the season-tickets mourn,
"He never ran to catch his train,
But passed with coach and guard and horn --
And left the local -- late again!"
Confound Romance! . . . And all unseen
Romance brought up the nine-fifteen.

His hand was on the lever laid,
His oil-can soothed the worrying cranks,
His whistle waked the snowbound grade,
His fog-horn cut the reeking Banks;
By dock and deep and mine and mill
The Boy-god reckless laboured still!

Robed, crowned and throned, he wove his spell,
Where heart-blood beat or hearth-smoke curled,
With unconsidered miracle,
Hedged in a backward-gazing world;
Then taught his chosen bard to say:
"Our King was with us -- yesterday!"

Rudyard Kipling

DELETED

Why am I cribbing so much, is it because I am at the end of my tether and have been away for almost 2 months or I feel alone amongst people who don't interest me.

exiled, buried, relegated, forgotten, betrayed, burned, misunderstood,cremated

I can say to every one that love being alone and dont need company. But in my heart of hearts I know that I am very much alone and I need company. People with whom I can relate to and identify with.

solitude

I seeked it when I was surrounded by family and friends. Now that I am immersed in it I seek the company of family and friends to be with me.

the day that was yesterday

I asked her out for a coffee, she refused. Asked me about why I left my old job, but did not understand my reason. or what i was saying to her. was warm and grew cold at the same time. but speaking to her one thing was clear the she had grown tremendously over the last one month.

time spent here

It has been a little over 6 months in my current assignment. What have I accomplished?? is a question that I am beginning to ask my self. Comparisons with my old positions that I have held are inevitable but are not really accurate as the job that I am doing has no comparison with what I have done before. As the quality of work is substantially different as compared to what I have been doing before. The requirement is not to take an instant decision regarding the admissibility of a claim or fighting a fire. But rather it is to make sure that the work done is perfect in the first go. That no repeats are to be done and the the decision made is not unilateral but in consultation with rest of the team. The quantity or work done over the last 6 months is less then the work I would do in one week. But the quality and the quantity of learning required to do that work that I am required to do is some thing that I am still in the process of acquiring.

The scale no longer is about 6 months of work. As I had initially anticipated. But rather of a life time as some one told me here.

Pretty Maids All In A Row

Hi there,
How are 'ya?
it's been a long time
Seem like we've come along way
My, but we learn so slow
and heroes, they come
and they go
and leave us behind as if
we're s'pposed to know why
oh tell me why
Why do we give up our hearts to the past
and why must we grow up so fast?

And all you wishing well fools
with your fortunes
someone should send you a rose with
love from a friend,
it's nice to hear from you
again
And the storybook comes to a close
Gone are the ribbons and bows
Things to remember places to go
Pretty Maids all in a Row
All in a row

Eagles

Wasted Time

Well baby, there you stand
With your little head, down in your hand
Oh, my God, you can't believe it's happening
again
Your baby's gone, and you're all alone
and it looks like the end.

And you're back out on the street.
And you're tryin' to remember.
How will you start it over?
You don't know if you can.
You don't care much for a stranger's touch,
But you can't hold your man.

You never thought you'd be alone this far
down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time

The autumn leaves have got you thinking
about the first time that you fell
You didn't love the boy too much, no, no
you just loved the boy to well, Farewell
So you live from day to day, and you dream
about tomorrow, oh.
And the hours go by like minutes
and the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something to
make them go away
And I could have done so many things, baby
If I could only stop my mind from wondrin' what
I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted time

Ooh, another love has come and gone
Ooh, and the years keep rushing on
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:
"Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone."
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can
get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find , that it wasn't really
wasted time
Mm,hm
Oh hoo, ooh, ohh,
Ooh,ooh, mm

Examinations

Yesterday, was the most difficult examination i faced. Of the eight questions that i had to wright i could finish only 3. The quality of work left a lot to be desired. I wish I was able to give more time and was able to memorise more which I just could not do.

Add to it the heat and the humidity of the month of may made my life miserable.

On Love

It is one of the most beautiful reasons for a person to live. A look of tenderness from some one you love is something that is to be cherished. At the same time not being able to see the face of that person has to be the most desolate experiences of life.

remembering

Life is more then just going thorough every day routines however important they may seem. there was a time that i would touch so many lives that i could not count or remember. But i still remember the 5 year old cancer patient and the way his parents held on to the hope that he will live. I dealt with them so many times that they had become a part of my every day life.

One day they simply disappeared and i did not even pay attention as i was busy with my own work and life.

and then I found out that he had been cured.

I still remember.

People

They come and go but a precious ones that meet your level or are the ones whose level that you wish to attain. Away from the the bustle every day life they inspire you go beyond your weakness and try to be a better person.

Why are they so rare. That it is nearly impossible to find them. That they exist is what makes this life worth going through.

DAS

Why is the question?